


The Dic Pic Fic

by PawPunk



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dick Pics, F/M, Miscommunication, Texting, slightly smutty? i guess?, theres a description of a dick in there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26190442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PawPunk/pseuds/PawPunk
Summary: Cleo: Do you know why I've called you overJoe: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic?Cleo: (stops pouring two glasses of wine) Accidentally?
Relationships: pre jleo
Comments: 18
Kudos: 82





	The Dic Pic Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: sexual content, references to leg breaking and death

MVP —> You

MVP: Joe uhhhh you know that book you have on like. People who hated theatre

Joe stared at the message uncomprehendingly. It was midnight. Normally, Cleo wouldn’t be bothering him at this time, much less texting Joe about the Karens of the Elizabethan era. He closed his eyes, rubbing away the burn caused by looking at his bright phone screen for even a minute.

You: You mean anti-theatricalists?

MVP: Yeah those bitches

MVP: Whats the title and author

You: I mean there’s like 60 writers

You: Should I bring it over to your apartment later?

MVP: No I gotta win this argument NOW

MVP: Look send me a photo of the cover I can probably find an illegal pdf of it somewhere

Joe groaned. If he knew Cleo- and he did know Cleo, better than he knew anyone else- she wouldn’t stop texting him until he’d found the book. Slowly, like a rusty hinge turning for the first time in decades, Joe sat up in bed. He wrapped his blanket around his bare torso, his body already protesting the cold morning air.

Alright, come on, Joe told himself. It’s not horrible to get up early for once. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood, swaying slightly. At least the dim light of his apartment was soothing to his eyes. 

He could make out the piles of books he had stacked against the wall in the absence of any shelving, and he knew his anti-theatricalism book was somewhere around the bottom of the stack closest to the bathroom door. He crouched down, wincing as the cold floorboards sucked the heat out of his legs, and wedged out the volume from under it. The battered cover was nearly ripped off, but it was clear enough that he didn’t have to type out all the co-authors. He could send Cleo a photo instead. 

Joe painstakingly stood up and immediately retreated to the comfort of his bed. He grabbed his phone, racing himself to take the photo before he fully woke up. He placed the book in his lap, turned on his lamp for a moment, and took a photo. The names were clear enough, he decided. Turning off the lamp, he sent the photo.

(You sent one attachment)

MVP: Ur the best dude

You: Please stop texting me now I need my beauty sleep.

MVP: You sure do <3 <3 <3

You: :(

Joe shut off his phone and carefully laid the old book down on the floor. Then he buried himself in his blanket and went back to sleep.

He woke up at a much more reasonable time to sunlight streaming in between his curtains. Joe slapped his bedside table until he found his phone. Still half asleep, he clicked to his messaging apps. Joe scrolled through the random conversations and arguments that occurred after midnight before instinctively clicking on his chat with Cleo.

She hadn’t sent him any more messages, but Joe idly scrolled up to read over their conversation. He paused on the photo of the book. Something felt off about it, now that he was seeing it in the morning. The light of the lamp threw odd shadows over the picture. It almost looked like…

Oh, shit.

Joe tapped the attachment, expanding it to the whole screen. Yup. He totally had a hard on in the photo. That would have been embarrassing enough, but what made it worse was how he was sitting- he had crossed his legs to hold the book and leaned back to take the photo, letting the harsh lamp light fall directly between his legs. The tightness of his boxers and the dark shadows from the lamp made the shape of his erection stand out perfectly, straining against the grey fabric. It almost looked like he’d framed the photo like that on purpose.

… Would Cleo think he had sent it on purpose?

Instantly, Joe was awake. Maybe she hadn’t noticed, he hoped desperately. Usually, Cleo would make fun of him for the tiniest mistake, and accidentally sending her a picture of his bulge was a huge mistake. She hadn’t made fun of him, so she probably hadn’t seen it! … Or maybe she was too furious to mock him. Maybe she was planning to skip the whole teasing phase and go directly to beating the hell out of him. With shaking hands, Joe opened a new chat.

You --> The Jumbo

You: Mumbo how do I delete a photo I’ve already sent from someone else’s phone???

You: Please respond its urgent

The Jumbo: Ok turn off your wifi and data

The Jumbo: It will display an error message when it can’t send and you can press the little “i” to delete it

You: Oh no

You: I sent it like 7 hours ago?

The Jumbo: Oh

The Jumbo: You could get on the other person’s phone and delete the whole chat I suppose

You: But I don't wanna delete all my texts to Cleo

Mumbo: What did you send to her???

You: …I may have accidentally sent her a dick pic

The Jumbo: Dear lord

The Jumbo: Also were you serious about wanting us to play Two Trucks Having Sex at your funeral?

Joe closed the chat, navigating back to his messages to Cleo. Yep, the photo looked just as bad. It would have been less lewd if he had been naked. How had he not noticed? 

On the plus side, Cleo knew Joe was an idiot. If he told her he’d sent her his dick on accident, she’d probably believe him. Joe’s heartbeat slowed slightly as he formulated a plan. He wouldn’t bring the photo up, but he would apologize the moment Cleo mentioned it. That was safe. That would minimize Cleo’s completely understandable anger.

Slightly reassured by his plan, Joe rolled out of bed and immediately tripped over the book on the floor. Cursing, he picked it up and put it on top of a random book pile. He could put hit back later. For now, he needed to forget about the whole… scenario… and get ready for the day.

And he almost did. Almost. Until-

MVP: Yo Joe I gotta talk to you can you swing by my apartment

Fuck. 

You: What about?

MVP: Its something we need to talk about in private.

FUCK.

You: Alright, I’ll be over!

Joe swallowed hard. He didn’t have anything to do, anything to delay the inevitable. If he didn’t go talk to Cleo, it would only make the situation worse.

Joe took the bus to Cleo’s apartment.

She answered the door as soon as he knocked. Joe swallowed, looking down at Cleo’s inscrutable expression. Her hands were on her hips, her brows furrowed and her eyes… intense. “Hey,” he said, his voice cracking.

Cleo stepped aside. “Come in.” Joe came in. Cleo shut the door, the burning look in her eyes getting harder.

“Do you know what I wanted to talk to you about?” she asked, walking closer, backing Joe into the closed door and boxing him in with her arms. Joe took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I accidentally sent you a dick pic, I swear I didn’t mean to, I can totally understand why you’re mad but I didn’t mean to, please don’t kill me-“

Cleo cut off his rambling with a wave of her hand, her oddly focused expression turning into one of pure confusion. “Hold up- accidentally?”

“…Yes?” Joe squeaked.

Cleo blinked slowly. “How the FUCK,” she said, “do you ACCIDENTALLY send someone a photo of your hard on?”

“I don’t know,” Joe squeaked.

“So you’re telling me,” Cleo continued, “You sent me a picture of you in your underwear, angled so your cock was VERY visible, by complete accident.”

“Yes!” Joe said desperately.

Cleo stepped back, her arms falling limply to her sides. “Oh.”

Joe didn’t know what to say to that. “I like your shirt, is it new?” he said, to fill the silence. It was a nice shirt- a black tank top with spaghetti straps.

“No, you’ve just never seen it before,” Cleo snapped. Wait, shit, he was looking at her boobs. Joe made himself look over Cleo’s shoulder instead. Her bedroom door was open, the curtains drawn and only a lamp lighting the room. Weird.

“Listen, I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Joe said. “Can we agree to pretend this never happened and just go back to normal?”

“Sure,” Cleo sighed. “And I’m sorry if I freaked you out, too. I promise I’m not gonna break your legs.”

“Wait, let me make a note of that,” Joe said. “So, you WILL break my legs for taking the last of the jam, climbing a tree in the park, and high-fiving you too hard, but you WON’T break them if I accidentally sexually harass you. Makes perfect sense!”

Cleo snorted, the look of annoyance finally wiped away by a grin. “Well, you know I’m a pinnacle of flawless logic.”

“Oh, of course. Plato would bow down to you,” Joe said solemnly. 

“Just consider yourself lucky,” Cleo shrugged. 

“I do every day!” Joe chirped. “Anyway, I need to get back to my life. You can imagine I was a little distracted this morning.” 

“Alright. See ya, loser,” Cleo said. She shut the door behind Joe and waited. His footsteps receded into the distance. “That idiot!” she said aloud, once he was gone. She’d hit on him so much, so diligently, and the one time he fired back it was on accident. Served her right for getting too attached to one person. Oh well, she thought. At least she still had the photo.


End file.
